Brigter Future.

Today has been the closure of Eid! No more agenda or activities that can keep me busy. Next? hmmm...im still wonder. i have not think much about my future lately. im totally let the mother nature buried me in this hectic busy world. hoping to let them show me the path that i need to go. but as far as i let it take control of my life, the harder i could breath. even harder now, late nite like this.im sure the lack of occupancies of world chores, im restless and thorn with the emptiness. i have let my mind control of everything. i let down the observation strength of mine to where i should not let be in. Emptiness that lead me cant bare no more to live like this. i need to do something! i need to plan something! i need to take back all the dreams and hope that always be my strength and motivation and run the world again.

Yups...i need to run My World again. No way out! to be or not to be..this is the path that i have to finish. the destination tha i have to survives. and the road that i have to go on through. shortcuts never exist in reality. it only exists in a coward creature world. their existence only count when u be the one! COWARD! and im always not and i dont want to be it ever in mylife. so before others tell me that this is who i actually am..i need to push myself far from it. i dont want to be even near it. that is not a mission that i want from myself.

yesterday has passed by, let past be past. regret about it means you want to be better in future. u need to be better. everyone did mistake but the one that is dumb enough is the one who don't know how to learn from the mistaked that has they done. ups and down of life is a necessary ingredient like salt and paper in food. i have forgive what u have done and it is time for you to back on track. i know you have a lot to offer to yourself. i know u have the strenght that people see in you. u justhave to believe again. that is what u need now. u always have. and u always will.

what will be my next enthusiast? Money i guess. do something worth your talent. do something that can bring pleasure to your needs. do something that satisfying your emotion and soul. but whatever it is, i don't mind because i know what ever i do ill do perfectly good. just keep on busy and keep on doing something that can lead me to a brighter future. Later, let the rest of the world cheer you up and may the happiness always be with us. Amin.!

Futurist,
Farisya

I DONT KNOW!

hye peti besi kata-kata...

yup....again i have a bad news for u again dis time. i dont know when is the time that im actually gonna share my happiness with u. i dont know..i hope for that damn badly. yup...my life currently is so bullshit. i cant even stand it to face everyone...two years of living in this stupid dead n black world make me so sesak nafas. im down, im mess, im total loser and i hate myself!i know that is not good for a healthy life.yup i admit it. im not healthy emotionally and phisically. huh!

i did something more stupid which relate to me, my carrier, my family and everyone that know me that day. where actually i can see the outcome from earlier. i dont know why i am so gamble to make dat decision in my life and take everything under my control konon. huh! i dont know why....sumpah...dis is not what i plan for. im so bersalah to everyone and even i hate that i can say it to them even i can even say it to myself! sumpah im so gila babi x suka with myself.. i walked around kl aimlessly dat nite! damn....sumpah...pls lead me to the path that i really want. i want that. hoping for i see it from the light ive seen dat nite. neon, traffic light, car light, signboard etc...i need some hope dat say...hey u gonna be find! u gonna change urself..u learn it! i need it for myslef to know that...hey common....this is what u should learn....and dis is what happen when u do dis. dis is what u supposed to feel. and THIS FEELING IS SUX BIG TIME! seriously.. i cant even walk looking straight....im restless to think about my life now....apatah lagik future. buntu..!

yup..i dont know maybe someone will try to find what is my problem HERE...i know u just wan to know my problem...ntah! i think i dont even know what is my problem...i guess myself is trying to sabotaging myself....seriously.....i wanna skip all this..i want to get out from here...i want mylife back...i want everything that i want...i want to be normal again...i want everything to be ok again...and what most important..i want myself back! sumpah perasaan ni sgt melemaskan aku...i couldnt breath to live! damn....

i make ayah hates me, i make mak hates me, i destroy my carrier contact, im not punctual in my work.. i dont know the roots of my problem...i dont...seriously..im lack of motivation...im lack of wiill to be good..im lack of confidence to face the world, and im lack of confidence in myself. im angry....i dont have the drive anymore...malam tadi sampai rasa nak pegi jauh sgt..keje kat laut...x pelah room services ke....tukang masak ke...and what not...sebab x nak face my embarrassment n my mistake. damn!

x tau smpai bile i will drag my life like dis...i dont know...yangpasti aku x nak bende nie happen again cos the pain inside is so hard for me to face it. it is hard to feel disappointed with yourself. cos u cant get it away from u cos it is you.....mummy said, im not feel shame or kesal with all the trouble i make...it hurt my heart damn badly! sumpah....if only mummy knows how badly im trying to change and how badly im dont want this to happen....SUMPAH! i hate myself...even daddy said : "kau x penah nak berubah, ikut kepala sendri, x nak dgr ape org ckp" sumpah....dat words hurt me sgt2....how i wish dis never happen. how i wish im not gonna hurt both of u. i never wanted to dat is not what i want in life. even that is the biggest fear in my life and now......congratulation u berjaya face ur fear! PFFT!!

bad,

farisya nadiah

INSIDER

i have a huge trouble! yer aku mengalami keadaan yang sukar...ntah! berlawan dengan perasaan mmg perkara yang rumit. i dont know who else i can speak too...or u just couldnt tell anybody at all. yes this is me! im so cought up wtih my own feelings. ntah ape yang menghalang aku untuk share the feeling with anyone else. yup cos i know the answer of all my question, they wouldnt cure it with any answer sekali pun! im sure dan aku pernah cuba. but for me as long as aku tak menyusahkan sesiapa aku sudah lali dengan perasaan yang mungkin sekali timbul dan sekali tenggelam. malas nak amek serius sangat! sangat selalu die bermain2 di lubuk peraasaan ini. aku kan biarkan die pergi dan pasti akan berjumpa semula kelak pada suatu hari akan datang.

i dont know what happen...but keletihan untuk melakukan perkara yang sama berulang kali, menenangkan hati sendiri dan berarap mungkin aku dapat menyelesaikan masalah ini mungkin aku sudah abaikan lama dahulu. tiada apa yang perlu dieselesaikan. kenapa perasaan ini timbul dan tenggelam aku pon dah malas nak fikir. kalau aku fikir panjang sgt lain plak jadiknye. hmmm...aku mengeluh lagik! kali ini lebih kerap dan lebih kepada dengusan.

banyak bende yang bermain diminda, walaupun mungkin dasarnya mereka kelihatan aku tidak punya apa masalah. ok cool dan orite. gagah, tabah dan x bermasalah. yup aku rasa aku orang plaing crack dan x sehat! sakit aku terok dan dah lame aku rase x terubat. ive cried alot lately.menangis untuk sebab ape yang aku kurang pasti. yang pastinye aku penat untuk rase semua ini.

aku nak maju, aku nak gembira, aku nak bahagia, dan aku nak kecapi ape yang aku hajati. aku runsing dan aku pening!aku nak kembali pada zaman yang aku bangga untuk pandang kehadapan dan aku ceria untuk memikirkan masalah dan kembali melakukan  pembetulan dalam hidup aku.aku mohon ceria kembali. aku mohon kebahagaian yang aku harapkan. aku penat rase malu, aku penat rasa sunyi, aku penat rase penat yang berlarutan ini. aku ingin perubahan yang aku harapkan, yang aku gambarkan.

yup dengar mmg mcam malankolik habes...so what this is what i feel.dan aku rase kecelaruan hidup serta ketidakbahagian aku biarlah aku ceritakan disini sahaja. x mungkin semua orang tahu. x suma akan paham. dan x suma akan cuba faham. aku x pernah kesah sebab sebelum ini pon aku biasa dgn perkara sebegini. aku maseh mampu hidup seperti ini sehingga keharini. mereka perlu judge? aku xpedulik. aku x kesah. kerana diri mereka belum tentu bahagia. diri mereka belum tentu tahu ape yang mereka rasa.

disini aku cuba untuk berlaku jujur dengan hati dan persaan aku..aku cube bogelkan segala perasaan aku.sebb aku tahu ayat yang aku paham adalah mengeja setaip huruf yang aku tekan sekarang. telinga aku x begitu peka untuk memahami perassan sendiri. perasaan orang mungkin telinga aku pass. malah beriya benar aku faham.aku cuma mohon untuk diri au untuk kesiankan diri aku kembali bukan pada orang lain. aku terlalu ingin membuat pembetulan ini. tapi aku tersala jasad. aku terpesong. aku terlalu jauh untuk melakukan keatass diri sendiri. yer aku begitu lancar menaip terus dari otak ke keybord dan dipaparkan ke screen ini. aku mohon laju lagik. aku takut aku lupe ape yang aku rasa.

yer kali ini aku menaip dengan bahasa melayu dan kadangkala diselitkan dengan bahasa kedua ku.Owh my English! hmmmm...yup aku berderngus lagik! lagik kuat. dan telinga ku mendapat intonasi itu. intonasi yang sangat bermasalah. semalam aku baca tweet...persoalaannya..kenapa aku perlu menangis. aku sedar benar yang aku sudah lupe perkara sedemikian. dan mungkin aku sedeh benar membaca kerana mungkin itu juga perkara yang aku inginkan. perkara yang teramatku ingin kan disaat ini. #girlsbiggestlies - "im ok" the truth: look into my eyes, hug me tightly as u can and say its ok!. yer aku lupe perasaan itu. aku lupe untuk meminta perassan itu. hati aku mungkin sudah terlalu mesin. terlalu kerasdan kaku. mungkin tiada apa yang wujud ddasarnye,aku kecewa. x pernah aku rase kecewa sperti semalam. sumpah aku menangis lama. berjujuran. ditambah dengan suasana sunyi tgh malam. aku benci waktu itu.waktu dimana minda aku sgt aktif seperti sekarang. mungkin hari2 aku bole mengeluarkan lebeh perkataan seperti ape post kali ini. cuma aku jemu untuk menaipnya berkali2. tapi hari ini aku tidak tahan. terlalu berat untuk aku simpan.

blog ini umpama peti besi bagi kesemua huruf2 dan ayat2 aku. aku simpan disini. bagi mereka yang membaca yer aku x sehebat yang anda sangka.dan aku x sekuat yang engkau sangka. aku bukan gagah. aku x pernah tabah. aku hanya seorang yang maseh kosong dan terlulu lohong. lebih mudah aku seorang yang sgt crack dan lara jiwanya.kadang2 aku x nak jadik diri aku....aku x nak jadik terlalu bold di zahiriah. orang anggap aku kuat! aku x nak! aku nak aku benar2 kuat seperti sangkaan mereka. kadang2 mereka lupe aku juga manusia biasa yang ade hati dan perasaaan yang perlu dijaga. aku penat jaga hati orang lain. dan aku penat untuk mendengar. aku penat memahami. dan aku penat untuk tahu dengan mudah. aku tak nak tahu dan aku x nak faham langsung! aku penat!

dengan masalah yang timbul hari ini. aku penat jadik lemah aku penat jadik malu, aku penat untuk tidak rasa apa2 dimata manusia lain. aku penat untuk mereka rasa aku memberontak, aku penat untuk buktikan pada manusia lain yang aku bukan aku yang mereka sangkakan! perlu ke aku buktikan kepada mereka semua. aku pon x pernah kesah. aku dah penatuntuk kesahkan ape yang mereka kesah. aku dah x nak ambil tahu. tiada yang menguntungkan aku dari mencuba seusatu yang aku tidak fokuskan! yer tahap ketinggian kecelaruan otak aku semakin bertambah.

aku bukan mengalah. aku bukan beralah. cuma bukan itu yang aku inginkan ketika ini. bukan ini yang aku perlukan ketika ini. dan bukan ini yang aku harapkan dari diri aku! aku lelah dengan dilema ini.dan masa aku semakin pendek! ape yang aku dah buat? apeyang aku dah peroleh? ape yang aku dapat banggakan? aku belum bermula. aku sudah malu dengan kawan2 tapi itu bukan ape yang menjadi masalah. aku sudah tidak berpendirian pasa jiwa aku lagik! aku benci perkara yang menenagkan aku disebabkan manusia lain. perkara yang dapat aku lupakan segala masalah merupakn perkara yang menjadi perkara bermasalah sekarang. aku benci semua itu. aku benci. yer aku lara....aku mmg berlara. aku takut untuk rasa taku kedua kali! fuck you men! bullshit!

Being A Loner.

hellloooooo...*echoo-ing!! :) fuh..sadly to know that i have been NOT updating any event of my life since the last post!! i just couldn't believe it myself . i know that there are no one reads my blog accept myself. aha! PEDULIK LA!! i appreciate my work! DANG! 

ok..wat the hell!! but to be true..this topic that i wanna share n GIVE 'a note to myself' in this entry are keep on having a trip in my brain..come n go..but then it feel like,lately it keep on lingering in my mind and it make me sick of it already! So i have to let it out somehow! and thank GOD i have u my only way....to express! yup..im not good in expressing feelings remember? #real-feeling. but i WARN u *myself....don't judge me wrong and read. try to put yourself in my shoes. understand and then i might thinku will feel the same think too. and i rally hope so. cause YES! i need the moral support that i wish i can seek it directly from ur mouth!

Being alone is not an easy task! yup i admit it! it is hard! i have recently admit it t myself. where i think, previously, I've just trying to make myself not to think about it. where i think is a way of protecting myself from feeling about it. and i think i don't want to feel that im so easy to fall in the state of emotion that i cant handle it from myself.AGAIN, im avoiding, hiding, and DENYING! (i hate that word) YESSS!!!it is hard. i didn't say that couple is a bad thing and i believe in that state of emotion, where couple is a place that u share all the emotion together and the emotion only shared  exclusively for u and your partner not others. though i love being unattached to anyone and make my own rules to my own world...i somehow see that, it get me to the world that i think is not suitable for me to venture my future in it. i don't want in a house of Hollywood drama set, left out by the actors after a wrap, alone , quiet and light-off. where u think in the movie, it is the real harmonic house but in the end u know it is just a props! It is just a metaphore that even i couldnt understandt.aha :p

I have been living as a proud single about almost all the years and still counting by now. At the first few years of my single days, i was feel a little bit down where i tried to push myself and search where i did wrong. it is like a postmortem process. i admit i didn't like what i did when i was in a relationship. i blame everything happen to myself. i feel like i have to correct it and make sure i didn't do it again later in the future. yes that is what i did.

So after a few years, i realize that a perfectionist-ism that I've created, create a different person in me. im afraid to move cos i know too much wrong in myself. im scared others will see that wrong in me again. yup! i did stupid things in myself where i believe that im not enough to everyone. where in away, i have delivering the message through my body-language that im not ready for another relationship. i don't even realize it from myself until i did some reading about body language. hmm...yups! i don't realize that i have delivering a negative emotion to others/strangers. i can say im too obsessed in myself until i forget that actually i have ruin myself turn into a creature that is far from who i am before. 

believe it or not, later years by years past by, i feel like being single is the best place where i can be. im not hurting others and damn they have not hurting me at all. im too cool to be hurt.single is the best place that i can be me, hide the real me(exclusively) and proudly to say, single is the place where i feel so much comfortable in. im so used to the environment where people asking me 'do you have boyfriend?' and i will reply 'NO!'. then they will say 'u must be kidding me' and i will replied back 'im not kidding u at all, im single and alone.FULL STOP'. i don't know, maybe with the feeling that im so used to it, i don't have any bad feeling when people asking me, friends teasing me, strangers seeing me as a fierce women and what not. they can say anything what they want to say, what ever happen and what ever matters is...yes ME. 

being alone means u have to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. u don't have anyone to calm u down or wipe ur tears when u down or sad. no one u can dial a number in the middle of the nite when the light strike. no one u can give a gift for the thing that u thing is nice for the opposite sex (pants/shirt/wallet/cap/etc). there is no one u can dedicate a good love song to and there is no picture u can refer when u miss someone.There is no one i can talk to when u need someone the most to talk to..and hoping a tweet can understand what r u saying. and the worst thing is, there is no one u can motivate u when u need it the most and there is no one u can share the happiness when u received your paycheck every month after a suffered month working. and a lot more to be listed, but i wont.

ya..in the end the THE ONE that can do all the thing that Ive mention above will be YOURSELF. u the one will shed your tears when u r sad in the middle of the nite, hold your back, believe in yourself, be a good listener, bought a gift to yourself, dedicate a motivational song, and feel happy to the paycheck and said 'U DID A GOOD JOB, SYA!' yes..that is what i do now! yup quite complicate to talk to yourself but ya that is what i do...as if there is a mirror and Ive got twin that is exactly like me personally. i think im being a PERFECT twins. i don't think this is a crazy thing cos in the end, the one that u supposedly hear to is no one but yourself. u make your own decision and all the risk is on your own. 

Above all of this, the worst thing is to feel tired of being all of this. currently, im not strong enough to reap all of this again and again and need some air of change.

love,
Farisya Nadiah

mood : new

hey2...super fucking awesome song!! hell yeah!!!

love,
farisya nadiah

before 30

be at somewhere unfamiliar, deal wit total strangers, different language, unknown culture, contrast system, weird air-smell, bizarre food


and

be

ZERO HERO.:)

love,
farisya nadiah

him

love,
farisya nadiah