Sweetest Junk Draft

hey...

Same Old, Same Old

Today was like Dj Soundgraph, Ups and some down. But in the end i feel blessed all the feeling i gain today.
this post are actually my deepest heart to someone that ive been facing life togather for almost 8 years. Fun, young, wild, sad, strugle, sunny,breezy, windy, rainy and all the season that we had, it will always there.

fisrt of all, i am thankfull that you find meat the first place. haha...that moment will stays in my heart forever as  much as the stupid things that we went through. that moment on our favourite spot that only we know, im thinking as same as what i thought. i felt like, r you meant to be here by my side for show me the real feeling of my own.

i hate the way you read my minds how exact you words which lingers on my mind. until today i finally realise, when you said that word, "you always have me whenever you sick, and i will always there when you need me" that is wierd feeling actually. i know this is not love. this is beyond that. im thankfull for the word that you said.seriously i am blessed and even overwhelmed withyou thought. because deep down in my heart i know who the one i need when i feel bad about myself. you the only one that i want to talk to when i dont know who else. you the only one im imaganing myself with when im at the perfect place i go. you theonly person that i cant never say i love you even i know ill be losing you. though i know that you have someone else that can comfort you, though they will always listen to you, thought you have someone else that you can have fun with, though you will never have me with you to go through your life time. above that im blessed.

Lovers,
Farisya

That Confiusion

is this the same process as those girls i saw last night in you tube. have they face the same situation as mine right now? are they think of the same think that lingers in my minds now? thousands of them....sometimes i cant even spell them but still know. am i crazy? or is this what they called as "kegoncangan" that might happen? questions that make me confused with purpose of  my living. what is the big issues here?

i couldn't understand anymore. i know i should be grateful. but it seems like i don't exist anymore. i wonder who am i in this world? what is my purpose in life? is this world real? if it is not, please wake me up from this scary dream. i couldn't bare the burden of it darkness anymore.if this world is not real, then what is the real one? where? who r the people in there? and how i can be there out far from this world. am i faking myself all this while?and why should i fake around when the main thing is i don't even know where im living now.

while im searching for that journey, im sad again, where should i put those beloved of mine? i should carry them together or i should leave them behind. im searching for my strength that i thought them was my strength. but nope im wrong. i haven't  yet se it in them. then where?  my question keep on popping. how should i take this journey? im totally confused and crazy i am now.

i nearly see the beautiful happiness and love the other day. im totally amazed by the finding that i got. but today, this feeling strike me again. how should i maintain that happiness? how should i jail the feeling tight? because i need them. i know that is the only way of could answer all my crazy questions. and i miss that moment already. the short moment but really meaningful to me. i dont care what people said about me anymore. i dont care what people judge me anymore. and i dont give a damn about this crazy world that im living anymore. a world that people is a good actors. faking that happiness is with them. but deep down they alwasy felt alone and lonely. always trying to find that real love. 

and what is real love then? human? friends? animals? worlds? material? or yourself? becasue hoenstly i couldnt find them in any of it untill that day, it shows me a bit of that feeling that im searching all this while. and i felt, totaly betrayed by all this views infront of me. it totaly fooled me by all the beauty of the outside. and now i know i should chase that hint so that i can found the rest of love that ive been looking for. 

i need a courage to do so, i need to be always strong because i know this is for sure. ill know i will find what i want. because they never lied and they is real. 

"tenangkanlah jiwa ku, hanya Engkau yang memberi rahmat"

love,
farisya

Greatest Gift

May peace be with you.

Last 2445, i hope i don't forget that feeling. Im happy. In fact, it was the most happiest moment in my entire life. Everything seem floating in the air. Everything seem clear. Every burden i felt before was never exist. I know i have found my precious. And it was a gift than i cant never reject, cause i have no daya upaya to do so.

The answer to my question that ive been waiting all this while, finally im fully satisfied. You show your face to me in every view i saw, but today it is crystal to me.And today was the perfect time just as what as i need. You perfectly define yourself. Im glad. Im overjoyed. Even wishing if i ever could stays in this feeling. NO one else except for You.

Jangan pernah kau tinggal daku, kerana kaulah kekuatan ku. Jika tidak aku lah orang yang paling malang.

Love,

Farisya

Lost and Found

I guess maybe when we try
and do something beautiful

it’s a lot like being lost 

somewhere in an endless
ocean of dark

holding a fading sparkler.

It won’t last
very long

and maybe nobody else
can even see

but that doesn’t mean
it isn’t

pretty.

#theonlymagicleftisart

Love,

Farisya

Poison Green

as far as i see the green,
and while the bird flying on of those blue sky,
when the clouds seems big to grab,
hearing those noise between rail and that round tires,
bumping and sometimes side to side,
im there, seeing those greatest,
where am i? where i am?

on that fast movement,
i catch with my eyes,
a house which at side there was cloth hanging,
smiled on my face, which i know there was a hint of life,
on that sunny day,yellow and green while sometimes blue.
if only that window open,
i could have imagine how i showered my face with that breezy wind,
hey im looking for you,

left right and far right,
or nearly to those exit,
people came in and people came out.
sometime big blue-black pack,
or sometimes it nil.
where are you, if could only they came with that familiar face.
even with those sides of you, i wish i can recognize.

i want to be those birds that can break that clouds,
and i want to be those noise but unseen,
i want to be those person with that big blue-black pack
or the one that is nearly to those exit far right,
and the most that i wanted was..
could see the person that can see those things.

yours truly,
Farisya

Cruel World

ATTENTION : This post may contain high loads of negetivity. Please prepare your mind and soul. It might contagious.

Bullshit happens all the time.

yup it is always true. I've been facing it almost all the time. I can't say out loud my thought or my dream. As far as im believe in it, as far it leave me away. i have no chance and i have no right to have a dream. Ive been trying to figure out things on my own but the more cruel things happen to me. Im afraid that doing nothing is my only choice. Am I forbidden to do things that i want? or do I have to do things that i hate? im so confused.

i never get a chance to demand for my rights as human being? i can be sad and at the same time i cant be happy? i dont know. am i supposed to sit at one corner and see world change? For now, i cant cope anymore. as eager as i want to be 'something'  im more eager want to know myself and what i have to serve the world. if im blind show me, if im deaf scream for me, and if im stupid, teach me at the easiest way that i can understand. im afraid that im the only one left here. i dont want to be left alone in this scary world. i dont want. im afraid. what else that i can do to offer?

i never demand anything in life. i don't demand a lot. and how crazy i can be here at this time alone without asking anyone to fill in my empty heart. i always believe one day it will. force of nature i supposed. i always believe that. i know, when i need somebody is when they need me too. is it to cruel to asked? i know everybody has their own time and need their own space. i let them be. ill be around when they need me. i feel the pain when they are in pain. and im crying if i cant help them. finding a solution to help them always in my mind. But, when my hard time come, i need to push them away in other me to heal. how cruel decision it that i have to face? am i bring negativity to them? or im such a virus that need to be quarantine to this whole world? y i have to feel guilty to be myself? and now, am i too demanding? im sad! im sick! im psycho!

i have nothing to offer. i have nothing to give. i have nothing to serve the world. but i always there when u need me. i always there when your pieces of glass broken? i give you glue for you to stick. even it is ugly but i saw it normal as before. what to expect, i know you in and out. when you ok, finally stick again. i saw u back in the world again. ive smiled cos i believe that im satisfied with the choice i make. Giving you a glue. but now, am i a bad person when i need you not to understand me nor pity me, but have a sense that im hopeless. i need a hand that grab me from that dark river. or even throw me a pieces of wood that i can rely on. saying not much other than "ill be at the end of the forest.see me there". Am i an evil person?

owh maybe i just need a thought that can be understand. then, im adjusting in this cruel world hoping that my thought can be heard. maybe somebody can feel me as the same as i am. im just hoping that maybe my thought will worth. having a good memory with everyone that i love someday.having a smile face every time i wake up in the morning. having a good reviews and having a tremendous joy. And again, why can i wish for that? is it a sin to wish for a happiness? in every single breath? in every thought that might make me smile? i need to smile...i need to be happy. y i can say this "im happy with my life" or even just a hint of road to it.

i have nothing. i don't have anything that belong to world expectation. and even i have nothing that i can offer to the world no more. everything seems so hard to breath. im breathless. as far black seems black, even more black my eyesight now. Deaf person is deaf, im even deafer. my life is larger than dark at night. and now im afraid i might be dead in their hug.

truely,
farisya.

Road Trip to Albania