Assalamualaikum, 

A lot things happen lately. and of course a lot of thing has change lately. my life, myself, myfriend, my surrounding and most important what i believe in now have totaly change dramaticly. indeed im happy with those changes in my life. someway to say for a better future i guess and a better side of myself i hope.

And ya, with all that changes there always something that still remain in me and i really wish i can get away with it. i always wonder and questioniong myself, i really want to be good. to be as perfect as i can be. as "it" as i imagine myself should be. and for once again i think im not as what i am. i know and alert about it. if i did a mistake, sometime i think i did it on purpose. just to screw my life a little bit i guess? hell no. and worst thing part is, if ive ever feel bad about myself, i know im blaming myself of it and sometimes i hate it to hear it from anyone else because ive get enough of myself telling the worst thing about myself. it is more terible than i could hear from anyone else. worst of all, i cant mute myself and pretend im not hearing what im saying about it. so please, from every mistake that i did. im aware of it. like seriously, i dont meant to do those thingto you or anyone else. 

i get tired of all the blame that i put on myself. and sometimes i need to be ok. i need to just ok! so please, i thank you for the concern but ya as what i said, im aware of it like TOTALLy understand it.i may not speak as what i feel and sometimes it can hurt u badly, but seriously if really meant to talk to you, ill talk to you. please treat me as an mature adult. i just need to be ok. for once, please. i know Allah hears this all the time, but ya, kau lindungi lah aku dari menyakiti sesiapa kerana kadang aku tau aku manusia yang lemah tanpa kuatmu. allah, kau kasihkanlah aku sperti mana kau kasihkan rasulmu, berikan ku secuit rasa bahagia firdaus, kuatkan kamu sperti mana kamu kuatkan musa, ya allah, lindungilah dari aku menderhaka pada kedua ibu bapaku. kau tanggalkanlan kejahilanku untuk nampak jalan lurusmu. berikanlah aku sinar untuk menawan nafsuku.

amin.

Farisya Nadiah

mood swing

Jika Kulupa

Sejak kebelakangan ini,

aku perasan benar ada Dia

Hilangkan berat yang sebelum ini ku rasa,

Ringan jalan ku lalui tanpa sedar 

Atas kuatMu yang dipinjam,

Jika esok aku lupa,

Bahawa permulaan ini Engkau yang mula,

Jangan kau tinggalkan aku hilang di arus deras itu, 

Jangan kau lepaskan rantai ikatan kita,

Aku takut aku mudah lupa, 

Engkau yang patut ku puja, 

Bukan dunia yang cantik tapi fana

Hari ini ku teguh lagi, 

Dengan juang yang kau beri

Untuk wira muhammad diri.

Regards, 

Farisya Musa

Jauh..Ku menunggu

Assalamualaikum,

Resah hati ku
Selalunya ada
Fikirkan kamu
Setiap waktu ku
tenang jiwa ku
bila kau di sisi
Dalam dakapan mu buat ku mati
Hooooooo~
Jauh
Ku menunggu
Biar ketahuan mu
Disini ku merindu
Jauhhh
Ku berharap
Kembali kau pada ku
Akhiri penantian ku

Tak mampunya aku
Bila kau tiada
Gelap hariku
Sepi hidup ku
Lemah langkah ku
Mendengar suara mu
Laju jantung ku bila menyentuh mu


Jauh
Ku menunggu
Biar ketahuan mu
Disini ku merindu
Jauh
Ku berharap
Kembali kepada ku
Akhiri penantian ku

Jauhhhh
Ku menunggu
Biar ketahuan mu
Disini ku merindu

Jauh
Ku berharap
Kembali kau pada ku
Akhiri penantian ku

Jauh
Ku menunggu
Biar ketahuan mu
Disini ku merindu

Jauh
Ku berharap
Kembali kau pada ku
Akhiri penantian ku

Hello Greece!

Assalamualaikum..

Ive never imagine, sometimes the thing that you thought you never be is the thing that actaully suits you the best. This is what happened to me lately. Im glad that Allah greatfully open my path in this field. It is either to show me that i should be thankful that I have more than anyone should deserve in thier life.

Im in Greece now. Haha it is much more glamor when i said Greece. Gedik mode alert. Glad im here. met something most wonderful here spiritual, dreams, life and humanity. Glad that somehow im able to see those beautiful plan that Allah have planned for me. Apart from that that Im really thankful that Allah help me to become someone that I wish I want to be, which is a better person from the person I am today. You help me every single steps in my life. What else that I want to wish more rather than keep on wishing that I always be a good servant to Allah and may Allah love me always.

My life here is turning great. My plan is becoming clearer than before and great thing turn reality eventually. Life is not as cruel as thought it is with me. im sure that Allah love me in certain ways that he really need me to understand. i dont know, deep down in my heart i know that i wish i should thankful to Allah. Dear Allah, how should i express this kind of kindness of you. Which expression I should confess with all human in front of me and how should i react to all the person that you created in mylife. Please let me know and understand it. for the time being, i felt enough talking to you like this which i know i should not because there is no enough in this special relationship with you. 

Help me which i know you always, instead every breath i take you are helping me. Help me not to forget you everywhere i go and every path i go through. Amin.

Sincerely,
Farisya Musa

Untuk Langit Biru

Belum boleh lelapkan mata

Walau badan mohon pantas beradu

Sunyi begini selalu runtunku ingat Dia

Adakah Engkau jua menantiku.

Hari ini hibaku mengenang mereka

Terbang dilangit Dengan izinmu

Landasan pulang kau lebih tahu

Mungkin ia rencana untuk kami

Kembali ingat kamu pencipta langit bumi

Jika itu takdir, pelajaran untuk kami

Kau tabahkanlah jiwa ini

Kau kentalkan jiwajiwa hiba ini

Dan kau bukakanlah pengetahuanMu pada kami

Untuk hilangkan rasa pedih ditangguni kami

Biar hidup kami terus sentiasa ingat kuasmu tetap kekal dan abadi 

#prayformh370

Farisya

Arang Besar

Ini catatan untuk hari itu yang jelas di hati ku seperti aku conteng arang dimuka sendiri dan muka mereka....

Kisah ini bermula ketika jamuan makan malam itu.

Aku pasti aku mahukan perubahan yang makin bersarang di benak hatiku. Namun aku lengah walaupun banyak kali panggilan itu menyapaku. Panggilan tanda bahawa aku seorang manusia yang taat pada pencipta. Manusia lemah lagi takut pada kosa kat manusia atau mungkin takut untuk terima hakikat diri tang sebenar. Seperti takut akan bayangku sendiri. Aku masih mencuba untuk betulkan khilaf ku, makin segn untuk katakan mohon Allah bantuku, kerana memamg setiap kali aku didoringNya tapi masih berkira2 apakan orang akan kata. Kau rasa Allah kata apa? 

Huh, sejurus peperangan di dalam jiwa yang begitu hebat melanda. Aku pun dengan tanpa malunya hadir ke jamuan keluarga yang telah diaturkan. Setibanya aku disana, seperti Allah menjawab kepadaku, "padan muka kau.. Ambik ubatnya! Aku cakap berulang kali tapi kau sombong ikut kata nafsu. Pura-pura baik tapi hati x pernah cuba untuk melepaskan apa yang perlu dilepaskan selamanya. Aku bukakab aib engkau pada mata mereka supaya kau sedar bahawa kata kata mereka tidak setajam kata kataku bila kau tahu benar aku marah engkau hari itu" 

Allah kau halus tunjukkan marahmu namun aku terasa seolah kau benci benar kau padaku. Malu ku tebal hingga aku hampir tidak mahu tegak memandang sesiapa. Aku mahu masuk bawah meja. Aku mahu benam dibellang pokok bunga. Tapi manakan ku sorok darimu yang maha melihat?  

Kau conteng besar arang dimukaku.."aku bodoh, aku sombong, padan muka aku" dan juga seperti aku pula conteng besar arang ke muka ayah dan mak, "aku x pandai ajar anak" . Sesal aku apa ku balas pada mereka. Terpnacar krmarahan ku pada diri sendiri namun tidak terluah oleh ku. 

Mak dan ayah, maaf atas kejahilan diriku. Tuhan kau pimpin lah aku selalu. Kuatkkan semangat aku untuk terus setia dengan cinta mu tanpa ada sebarang alasan lain semata2 untuk ENgkau. 

Regards, 

Farisya Musa 

Perjalanan Hari Itu

Hari-hari semalam berlalu..

ada yang ku perlu perbaiki,

bangunku ade juga jatuhku,

semalam aku lupa setia,

padamu yang Maha Esa.

Hari ini aku kembali kembara,

dibumi penuh suka duka,

kau titipkan ganjaran besar,

semangat ku kembali membara,

tapi sayang aku lupa,

kucup Egkau dengan Alhamdullilah.

hari itu, sedang leka aku bernyanyi,

runtun bahagia yang ku pura,

kau datang dengan kalamMu,

aku pasti aku sedar kau datang menyapa,

namun aku biarkan kau berlalu saja,

tanpa menyambutmu, peluk erat dekat padaku.

apakah aku lupa, semua yang telah kau titipkan,

dalam ruang halus hatiku,

bahwa kau lah kekeasihmu , tiada yang lain

tak pernah ada yang lain,

Ya Allah ampunkan aku, 

datangkanlah saat kemudian untuk ku perbaiki,

apa yang ku harus dan perlu ingat selalu,

tiada Engkau, tiada aku.

Regards,

Farisya Musa

On-Track

Assalamualaikum.

Hello! Hello! Hello! (Beyonce-ish)

What should I write today, I have no specific by the way. In writing here, i believe this the only freedom that is granted to me to write anything that i wanted without plan. from heart to the keyboard and to the screen. Sometimes, i guess that is the reason why I love to write. From a start in writen Diary to this new tech, typing diary. im just in love with it.

Other than it can keep your memory to the certain emotion on that certain time, i fing this is helping us to keep on track to learning ourselve better and do things better in future. We keep our mistake to learn no to repeat that mistake again and also we keep our happy moment in form of emotion to let us be thankful of that day. im glad finally ive realising how important 'you' are in my life. it mostly potraying how im sure i want to be better in myself in any way posible. Insyallah, in Allah's help, i wish ill be better from time to time.

As i read back my homescreen, ive found that ive  been expressing myself for about aproximate 7 years to you. What a long journey. There were  ups and down in my life. That graph contributed to where i am today. i know im not as mainstream as people always eager to follow, but im glad somehow ive show myself that i am what i am. im glad that ive growing to that certain level of life. im not what people expect me to be and i dont expect people to be what i want to be. Thankful of that thouht that Allah gave to me. Alhamdullilah.

Insyallah, there are long road to go. im in a process to boost up my power in Allah's will. im clear to the journey that i have to face. im clearly know now my purpose in life and i hope i could maintain to the very best and may Allah protect me from my mazmumah all the time. may that spirit always be with me.

What i really need to do now, is not afraid to mirror it out. Amin

Regards,
Farisya Musa

Talking to Only You

Dengan nama Allah aku hidup, Dengan nama Allah aku bernafas, Dengan namamu aku bangun pagi ini dengan hendakmu. 

Syukur alhamdullilah, kau bangunkan aku dari tidur lenaku untuk ingat kamu.Hanya padaMu Allah ku pohon. Hari ini kau jadikanlah aku manusia yang mengingatimu dan berguna untuk alam yang kujalani ini. Pinta kau tunjukan jalan yang kabur didepanku, kau kuatkan semangat juang ku, dan kau berikan aku tenaga untuk menjadi anak yang berbakti pada ibubapaku, keluarga, sahabat dan semua umat manusia yang kau telah jadikan untukku.

Jika itu takdir yang telah kau tentukan, kau tiuplah rasa cinta dan syukur padaku agar aku sentiasa ingat itu datang atas hendakmu, maka tentulah ia baik untuku. Moga aku sentiasa ingat kerana aku manusia yang mudah lupa jika diri ini bukanlah milik diriku melainkan sepenuhnya milikmu. kau jadikanlah orang disekelilingku selalu tenteram dengan kehadiranku, dan kau temukanlah aku rahsia bahagiamu ketika ku berada disamping mereka.

Ya Allah, adakah aku manusia yang berguna dimatamu? adakah aku manusia yang kau sayang? 

Kau ampunkan aku ketika aku lalai ingat padamu, jika aku lupa akan nikmat yang diberikan olehmu, aku lupa dunia ini hanyalah sementara, aku hindar akan tanda-tanda yang kau kurniakan danjuga pangilan-pangilanmu untuk ku pulang kepada mu. aku manusia yang ingin memperbaiki diri dekat padamu. Namun aku masih lemah. Moga kau sentiasa ampuni aku dan sentiasa tidak jemu memberi hidayah pada hambamu yang serba kurang ini tanpa kuasa cintamu.

Amin

Regards,

Farisya Musa

Digest

Im as 26 turn 27 - Words

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Recently, my observation to sounds and word have became extremely sensitive. Once, I've caught up myself singing Najwa Latif's songs over and over again, in my head of course. It keep on playing it own track repeatedly with a no stop button. I just could not help it. My day with Najwa Latif's song what end up not terribly bad but quite hectic and jammed in my mind. To much thing going on inside i supposed.

Continuity to that, recently which is yesterday, I've accidentally came across to the unplanned movies that consist tremendous inspirational words which happen hardly glued to my mind till now. i don't know either it is stuck to me blindly or my it is just fit my soul now.

" 27 is the age where most people tends to make a biggest decision in their life"

That phrase which i think proven to the badmouth of  my inner side. it is somehow i could not agree not to agree. ive knot my head several time. This is when i know, ya maybe thing did not come across to you accidentally, "Things happen for a reason". For my case it is proven.

in my head im full of sinful dreams. i know im quite silly when all you can do is dreaming. Why have to be afraid? I know that. A question just keep on lingering on my mind until i came across some article about one designer that ive recently attending his fashion show.

" A young 22 years old law student that highly passion in fashion......blalalal" 

Hey how such thing. that law student who have nothing basic in fashion also can do it. do mind my language, i just tend to get more angrier to myself in a good way. Why you should afraid to the world that have everything to offer to you?. Why u should limit yourself?. That is what stab my mind lately. Eventually it get my head up straight back to the line that ive always wanted. i did nothing wrong by just doing it.

Like what my ustaz has mentioned, this life only have to ways. Hard and Easy, either way you have to face it. What you need to do is walk to that way accordingly. You can not change the road that have been given to you and there is no way out by not walking to it. If you tend to get hard way, what you need to do is be patience to it no matter what. It may want to teach and let you learn a lesson that have not you know yet. But if you have an Easy way, be thankful and syukur to the opportunity that is given to you. Appreciate what you have and what most important is your existence to life have it own purpose. it is either you take it good way or the other way round. 

I felt complete! Alhamdullilah for all the blessing. Though i know im not quite THERE yet but im in my way to facing that road again. what i need to do is blessing and passion. Not easily brake by those cruel emotion but face the world strongly have faith in myself again. i hope i could do great by just living my life.And i struggling hard to maintain this feel and mindset and i hope Allah granted me that too. Amin.

Below picture is a reminder to myself. i hope it stick in my head as what Najwa song did to my brain and mind.

Love & Hope,

Farisya Musa

Im as 26 Turn 27 - Understanding a Life

Morning.

I've a great energy today. Woke up early, perform a Subuh prayer and lot of things that lingers in my mind right now eagerly waiting for me to pour it in my today's live. Im blessed. Syukur for this great feeling and that is the reason why i always love morning sunshine. Keep craving for it more and more.

Lately, it seems like everyone that i know is having a good news. Changing life title and role. it is weird somehow but yup, im honestly feel happy for them no matter. even sometime i feel that it make a wider gap between them and i but sometimes i feel it give me huge courage to let go and just doing well in my life with my own version of role. that is how weird this things go. ive let them go eventually.

As life get harder and lonelier, i found a great exsesive energy to be better and better in my current role, as human and survivor. i must do great no matter what and i have to keep maintain this feeling no matter what. i have no more choice. it is all that i have now. believe.

i think i have found my ground formula to fight this life. the only way to escape this life, is by doing great. the greater you do the greater chance you finding the keys to escape this crazy world and happy eventually.

Love,
Farisya Musa

Im as 26 Turn 27 - #1st Entry

2014. Yup never to late to start a year with another full new version of hope. Mostly things that have not yet finished by the last year time frame. Indeed. But i guess this year which a year that require me to have a solid mind and soul to figh in a  massive battle between Dreams n Reality which to be true Happiness versus Money. Yup. The more  i look deep into this matter i found out some amazing and shocking findings which i know world a more creapier than those high skycrapper falling down, Falling down..

Massive explosion in my head when i first find out through out my real life observation. To be honest, at that time i could not even breath. My chest was tighten and my body was paralized from doing anything. Things turn numb and my mind turn blurry. It took about whole year of my 26 when finally ive managed to find my sentral piece back. I have not facing any death, breakup, family problems, sickness or even drugs abuse through out those journey which was more complicates the situation to prove reasonable reason for my behaviour. Im totally insane knowing that im becoming insane. A sign of giving up of believing in myself attacked me, to be honest.

On the other hand, i know deep down in my heart i hate those feeling. I know that time im want to giving up on give-up. Tremendous time i get up anf fight back those evil and cruel feeling of mine. im to weak then end-up im still have not make any changes even though i know i can do it. I have lost some sort of power. what i need to do was  a small help. I felt like "please somebody help me push my power back on". Day become night and the other way round when night have become morning again. living in those hell of your own emotion. how strong emotion could relate through your own living. from that day, ive finally realised that not your muscle define how strong you are, not even your huge body or any tools that can keep you strong, but that unseen thing, artsy feeling that we called emotion. it leads you to alot of different horizon according where you want to drive them. Those material and physical would not do much to you. nothing compares to it. You need to know where and when you want to change your own plot of story.

Decision. Making a decision are another huge business that i have to deal during these days. A lot of decesion that i have to make which lead where i will be within next 20 years from now. Decision between Job or Career, Life Partner or Soul Mate, Money or Big Money or Opportunities to another Oppotunities. It sux  big time especially when you know that you are very selective person and im a very detail oriented. Thats is what im very sure about myself. Picky women in everything i do especially in dealing with decision making. Another weakness about me that i have not counter yet is, im not much wordalbe epressionist person  but more as an extremist person. My action always talk by them selves.. i would rather go really well or really bad. Nothing  in between. im hard to say things in word especially to my most closest person and especially regarding emotion. i would rather shout or not talk at all. im trying to solve that problem which i know im in a big sin. Trying to do the right thing is a challenge to me. I want to be right. Even i want to be right in my wrong. That is how complicated it is as 27. I have to make a good choice no matter what. Choose or die. 27 is another cruel episode every human being have to face.

Because of that matter, im always cought up between dreams, happiness, and money. should i work for money? or find my happiness in things that i work on? or chasing my dreams that seem hard to lead me to money or happiness? ive been forcing myself to think about this too details which end up put me here in my current position, 27, still in single bed with two pillow, using an acer laptop,drive a daddy's Waja and been using these 3 years back unchange wrodrobe. OR OR OR am i not realising that im not ready to dump my Miley Cyrus world and get a life with those Desperate Housewife series. ive been facing lots of disappointment, unluckcy, great bad achiement and that scary lonely world....i just guess im not ready yet for another episode of thorn, lonely and sad. I belive i want to pick a brighter star ahead of me. i know that for damn very sure. It is not so bad being picky and detail oriented afterall.im loving that trait in me even more know.thanks for helping me realise it.

i hope being 27 i will stop worried about how cool my future will be but how cool i am now to create that future.

That Scary Thing

Writing seems fun again lately. The only workable escapism method that heeling. Curing  the undecided thought that running across my mind space.it is huge mess up here. you would not want to know.

Then, i wonder again. i cant even track and remember since when i start doing this to myself. all the negetive thought that alway haunting and killing me. im nearly dead here as you might see. when was the perfect time im starting doing this to myself. i should say stop. and i MUST stop.

world change and things change. what you need to do is move on! start living again. believe on the rest of beutiful pieces that still hang to thier place waiting for you to find it. i quote from the show that i saw just know," Love is not end" . That exactly what it is. believing again is what you need to do.

i hope this will help you a bit. :)

love,
Farisya Musa

Terhapus Mabuk Fantasi

Mungkin semalam takan pernah sama dengan akan datang
Atau mungkin dengan sekarang..
Kata yang aku karang bukan sembarang-sembarang
Lelah kata hati yang pinta bersembang..
aku harap dia tetap teguh bersama tenang.

aku mahu itu, aku mahu ini, dan tidak semua ku miliki,
mungkin bukan satu pun yang mahu peduli,
mengisi kosong yang ada pada diri
tidak mengapa pintakan sabar dan tekun mungkin
bersangka baiklah wahai diri, hadirlah kau.

mana dunia, mana fantasi aku serabut bersulam mabuk
pintakan semua kembali setenang air di kali
yang jika diminum menghilangkan haus rindu
dan juka dimandi menghilangkan panas hiba
dan jika dikumur, menyulamkan syair segar tenangkan kalbu

hey mungkin sahaja aku dapat
sungguh berat nak ku lari
bersama kendong duka semalam
habuk halus kau jilatlah semalam itu
mungkin esok aku kembali lari
di taman yang gersang bertumbuh cinta
baja syukur redhakan nikmat yang ada.


love,
Farisya Musa

School of Tought

I never thought what im facing now will be my future, and now it is! Future is attacking bruisingly.Seems my imagination was much much more happier than this. of course, this look more like a scary dark sapocated nightmare that i wish i could wake up as soon as i can be. hey, just look around for that stupid hole, that annoying rabbit and those walking aces cards. hurry and get out from that teapot after you get snap a picture of those amazing madhatter design. yaaa...even nightmare in my imagination seem cute and happy.

 

Once again, i never imagine my life will be THIS!!!

 

Jobless, no boyfriend, souless, broke and undecided between chasing dreams or jumping into those scarry world all over again. seriously, this is a shocking decision that i should settle in time. but the thing is, i have no time less. my clock is ticking and it is nearly going to stop because people now prefere to those digital. no more ticking!!!!

 

There is a place i need to find,

And need to be there in time

Don't try to over and out lies

Im just a grils who fighting her time.

 

Thanks to you Yuna. Your Mermaid is what i really need this time. it just suit my background and it full of it.

 

i know i should understand mysef better. i dont want this to happen. im trying here. im clueless and i wish i can get out from here as soon as i can, before that, please let me try to figure it out how and for you to know im trying hard not for anyone else but i know i do it for myself. because, i know as much anyone else would want me to be better than this, im the person who felt that more for myself. and i really hope i can settle this crazy shit of mine.

im trying to change. im trying to muhasabah diri, and im trying very hard hear to make everyone happy in order to make me happy. i would want to make some benefits to you. i want to be your diamond. proud asset.and im always want to make you happy. i never ever though ill be this way. im weak to pursue life. im scared to live and even scarier to make you worry about all those silly nonsense things that happen to me. i hate to give excuses because i know im weak when im doing that.

 

yes, mummy daddy, sisters and brother, friends im trying here as best as i can. just bare with me and please be at my side always. because i know im not strong enough to face this world on my own. if only you guys know how sucks my feelings now, it is even more sux if i try to let you guys found out my darkness. im not in peace.

 

please dear Allah, tiupkanlan kasih mu pada diriku, tiupkanlah kuatmu padaku, titipkanlah roh perang padaku dan kau tanamkanlah benih istiqamah. kau hantarlah pelindungmu dan kau pagarilah cintaku untuk kembali pada jalanmu di waktu singkatku ini. Moga dalam jalan itu aku dapat bertemu Kau dalam tiap saat penglihatanku, pendengaranku dan nafas qalbuku. amin. dan ya rasullah, ajarkan aku hidup dalam hidupmu. amin.

 

*emotional breakdown

 

harapkan jalan keluar,

Farisya Musa