Ultimate Love

it keep on lingering on my mind right now. What is the meaning of love? LOVE? what is it with it that really haunt me lately? don't get me wrong here. im not talking about one to another one love. but the love that i need to given to myself, which means love yourself. i just couldn't figure it out yet or ive lost the real meaning of it. i really couldn't figure it out for this moment. it seems very hard to find it until at one point i feel hopeless and sick of searching for it. i know i cant stop loving myself no matter what, but on the other hand i don't find at least a good point of doing it so.

im terrible to myself lately. i don't love myself anymore lately and i hate to feel it. i know ive been avoiding it for quite sometimes but i cant deny to the fact that i hate how i treat myself.i couldn't answer to any of it. why am i doing this again?

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 i know i should keep moving ahead. i know i should make what i really want. i know i should make use of what i have in me. appreciate what i have more rather than complaining and arguing. i know that...but if only there is anyone can help to figure it out what happening to me right now....i more that thankful for your existence because right know im lost in this deep shit scary hole of mine. 

im like a ticking bomb.i cant be touch nor be abandon. i know i need to be positive. i need to focus and i need to work determinedly to the goal that im hoping for. i need to face the future. i need to meet to you future elegantly. i have to set a new mind set for a better living as human being.i cant always stays here in this lonely scary planet anymore. i need to set ne goal. i need to cripplingly wake up in this emotion and divert it to a goal that u need it to be heading. i don't want to meet your future in this kind of look. im surely it looks horrible this way. i don't want my future me to disgust on me know. 

damn!! damn!!  damn!! damn!!

UNTIL WHEN? UNTIL WHEN? i should ask this more often to you right. and WHAT IS NEXT? WHAT IS NEXT? who i wanna be? who? seriously and honestly speaking this is not what i want to be for tomorrow. i know i don't want to be this. im sure. 100% sure.

i don't need to do this for others. i just need to adjust what is wrong. that all. learn and try to listen to yourself again. try to develop the love in you again in other for you to love something else in your life. to to communicate with the love that you hope you can deliver. a love that strongly shape you to who you want to become. seriously im sad because i couldn't feel it anymore here. i need to strongly believe that with this love im able to help myself and meet my future dreams. all i need is love. dear farisya, love is not a scary thing. love is not a hard thing to gain. just believe that you love yourself and it will always leads to love what u r doing. i know you can do it again. i know you should do it. and don't forget, Allah is always with you no matter."Katakanlah aku lebih dekat dari nafas". you should be thankful of have knowing all this.. what is more powerful from Allah's to you. Hope i am ready to be loved again.

p.s : just a random self talking.

love, 

Farisya

Dark Bubble

" Hello my friend and we meet again..."

Just a random song crossing my head while im typing this... currently thinking. it is either to be or not to be a good friend that witnessing their best-friend big wedding day..yup im one of the bridesmaids. Recently there was a lot unfortunate event occurred in my life that i wish i will not dealing with it again. Though i know it is not a big deal for someone else, but for me it does. Two days ago, ya ive lost my tab. My only latest gadget that i can afford after ive sink-in my Blackberry.  i felt terribly horrible because i bought that tab for my birthday gift and it is not even one month yet! i feel so bad. that is the only thing that i can link to the world. ive lost it while eating at bangsar the other day. huh!! i cant even take care of things anymore then how should i take care of myself then. i know ive seems a little bit emotional right now even after a few days of lost it. hello it is my only present that i can afford for myself for the time being.

Back to the wedding, yup tomorrow is Joy's & Shrek wedding at Seremban. i feel so bad currently how to make it to the wedding. im thinking about how am i gonna be there on time without make her thinking that im late on purpose or even make myself thinking that im a bad girlfriend. if only you know joy how im feeling bad right now. Ntah. i need to plan my day for tomorrow since it is also my second interview session which is essay writing. i hope im doing well for that. i really hope it went well. im all mix up.with the money issue car issue, unfinished issue, self issue and so on  that i have now...im feeling really bad that i cant explain. i don't expect people to understand me for that. i don't expect at all.

i know i should change this feeling for a better day ahead or even for a better journey to meet the future me, but i dont know it seem so hard to push that wall. i am trying crawlingly. ive that plan in my head already. i just need a jumpstart all over again. i know i can. even everyone told me that i can do it. also i believe that i can do it. Arghh...that emotion! i just hate you badly right now. you are so strong that i can defeat you even by an inch yet. i hope soonest ill conquer the rest of you soul. i really hope so. 

i know i need to study for my essay tomorow..but i dont know what to study. and i wish my luck is with me. Amin. Allah i know u heard me right but if you dont bless me for that, you the only one who know the best for me perfectly. for joy i think, i need to be there no matter what. no excuses! i know. im still thinking how. please let me be.

love,

Farisya Musa

What You Want What You See

It is either we notice or not, always remember, what you want inside is actually what you see. Yup I'm in that situation now. I'm glad. Alhamdullilah. I love the way they see thing and I love being with this kind of crowd. They didn't saphocated me with something that I hate to think of. They actually generated my idea and the way I see thng within myself. Most importanly, I love the feeling of this feelings. From there, I know where I'm heading to. Though it may have a lot of difficulties coming, but I know I'm happy with the way it make me happy.

I love how I'm not faking up with the details of the conversation. I don't pretend that I understand that conversation. I don't neet to worry if I they want me to understand that conversation where actually I don't really care. And most of all, I know that conversation with all of you will have a fullstop and will always gonna end soon. That is the worst among all. You wil always be the corner of that chapter. I just need a coma instead of fullstop. But for the time being, a need from me no longer an important mission. The thing that I get and how I take it to mylife is my concern. Maybe that is the best formula that I get from now.

I don't need to be ashamed of not intended for needed anything. Anything is enough as nothing to me.that is my version of something I guess. Perfect in imperfection. Love that since ages. Back to the main topic, as I siad it is clear when you really put your sense at the exact place. Observing life I would say. I might be crazy along the journey but at least I know and will find who am i rather than faking up just only being template  of human being.

Good nite goodnight...we will meet again soon. Promised!

Love,
Farisya

Small Soldier Battle

Hello myself,

How crazy I am now. I know. Have been avoiding to write for almost few moths. Trying hard to control n hiding this crazy feeling from anyone including you blog. Why? You r just a mute blog that can even talk to me back. Am I right? Ntah maybe I just don't want to hear myself complaining about my life again. But unfortunately, I can't. This is  my limit I think.

Fuh...I'm at startbucks now. I've just comeback from a wordrobe survey at mimpi kita. There is project thatbim currenltly doing. Just a small job in between this crazy emotion of mine. I'm glad I'm doing this after few months of being Wilson try to avoiding this crazy world. Is this wotld crazy or it just me who are too weak to facr the world.

So back to the story, why and what happen today? Starbuks really usefull nowdays. That lady in green who have stars in her head just give me a second chance to live today. Recently I had my first accident. Yup my first accident ever!!! There are a lot of drama in it. I can't directly report to the police because of my license are death. Why I didn't renew it? I don't meant to do that on purpose ok. Before that I had my saman from JPJ while I'm still on my P license. So that I have to pay a sum of amount that I cant aford that time or even now. So I let it be. Un till few days ago, after that accident happen  the plot of this story have getting  worst n worst. And unfortunately today, something bad happen again.

I wonder why now while I'm typing this. Is this a sign  of god trying to talk to me. Is Allah trying to teavh me something. What is it dear Allah? Am I a bad person here? If I'm too blind to you or if Im ti deaf to you , please let me see with my heart not my eyes or  if I'm deaf ,please let me hear with your heart not my ears. It seem all the road you given ti me seems hardly to walk through. Or. Need to push that wall and fly.?

But whatever it is, I need to get going. Buy that pembaris and unlock that small soldier n getbback to the road.amin.

Love,
Farisya

Sweetest Junk Draft

hey...

Same Old, Same Old

Today was like Dj Soundgraph, Ups and some down. But in the end i feel blessed all the feeling i gain today.
this post are actually my deepest heart to someone that ive been facing life togather for almost 8 years. Fun, young, wild, sad, strugle, sunny,breezy, windy, rainy and all the season that we had, it will always there.

fisrt of all, i am thankfull that you find meat the first place. haha...that moment will stays in my heart forever as  much as the stupid things that we went through. that moment on our favourite spot that only we know, im thinking as same as what i thought. i felt like, r you meant to be here by my side for show me the real feeling of my own.

i hate the way you read my minds how exact you words which lingers on my mind. until today i finally realise, when you said that word, "you always have me whenever you sick, and i will always there when you need me" that is wierd feeling actually. i know this is not love. this is beyond that. im thankfull for the word that you said.seriously i am blessed and even overwhelmed withyou thought. because deep down in my heart i know who the one i need when i feel bad about myself. you the only one that i want to talk to when i dont know who else. you the only one im imaganing myself with when im at the perfect place i go. you theonly person that i cant never say i love you even i know ill be losing you. though i know that you have someone else that can comfort you, though they will always listen to you, thought you have someone else that you can have fun with, though you will never have me with you to go through your life time. above that im blessed.

Lovers,
Farisya

That Confiusion

is this the same process as those girls i saw last night in you tube. have they face the same situation as mine right now? are they think of the same think that lingers in my minds now? thousands of them....sometimes i cant even spell them but still know. am i crazy? or is this what they called as "kegoncangan" that might happen? questions that make me confused with purpose of  my living. what is the big issues here?

i couldn't understand anymore. i know i should be grateful. but it seems like i don't exist anymore. i wonder who am i in this world? what is my purpose in life? is this world real? if it is not, please wake me up from this scary dream. i couldn't bare the burden of it darkness anymore.if this world is not real, then what is the real one? where? who r the people in there? and how i can be there out far from this world. am i faking myself all this while?and why should i fake around when the main thing is i don't even know where im living now.

while im searching for that journey, im sad again, where should i put those beloved of mine? i should carry them together or i should leave them behind. im searching for my strength that i thought them was my strength. but nope im wrong. i haven't  yet se it in them. then where?  my question keep on popping. how should i take this journey? im totally confused and crazy i am now.

i nearly see the beautiful happiness and love the other day. im totally amazed by the finding that i got. but today, this feeling strike me again. how should i maintain that happiness? how should i jail the feeling tight? because i need them. i know that is the only way of could answer all my crazy questions. and i miss that moment already. the short moment but really meaningful to me. i dont care what people said about me anymore. i dont care what people judge me anymore. and i dont give a damn about this crazy world that im living anymore. a world that people is a good actors. faking that happiness is with them. but deep down they alwasy felt alone and lonely. always trying to find that real love. 

and what is real love then? human? friends? animals? worlds? material? or yourself? becasue hoenstly i couldnt find them in any of it untill that day, it shows me a bit of that feeling that im searching all this while. and i felt, totaly betrayed by all this views infront of me. it totaly fooled me by all the beauty of the outside. and now i know i should chase that hint so that i can found the rest of love that ive been looking for. 

i need a courage to do so, i need to be always strong because i know this is for sure. ill know i will find what i want. because they never lied and they is real. 

"tenangkanlah jiwa ku, hanya Engkau yang memberi rahmat"

love,
farisya

Greatest Gift

May peace be with you.

Last 2445, i hope i don't forget that feeling. Im happy. In fact, it was the most happiest moment in my entire life. Everything seem floating in the air. Everything seem clear. Every burden i felt before was never exist. I know i have found my precious. And it was a gift than i cant never reject, cause i have no daya upaya to do so.

The answer to my question that ive been waiting all this while, finally im fully satisfied. You show your face to me in every view i saw, but today it is crystal to me.And today was the perfect time just as what as i need. You perfectly define yourself. Im glad. Im overjoyed. Even wishing if i ever could stays in this feeling. NO one else except for You.

Jangan pernah kau tinggal daku, kerana kaulah kekuatan ku. Jika tidak aku lah orang yang paling malang.

Love,

Farisya