hellloooooo...*echoo-ing!! :)
fuh..sadly to know that i have been NOT updating any event of my life since the last post!! i just couldn't believe it myself . i know that there are no one reads my blog accept myself. aha! PEDULIK LA!! i appreciate my work! DANG!
ok..wat the hell!! but to be true..this topic that i wanna share n GIVE 'a note to myself' in this entry are keep on having a trip in my brain..come n go..but then it feel like,lately it keep on lingering in my mind and it make me sick of it already! So i have to let it out somehow! and thank GOD i have u my only way....to express! yup..im not good in expressing feelings remember? #real-feeling.
but i WARN u *myself....don't judge me wrong and read. try to put yourself in my shoes. understand and then i might thinku will feel the same think too. and i rally hope so. cause YES! i need the moral support that i wish i can seek it directly from ur mouth!
Being alone is not an easy task! yup i admit it! it is hard! i have recently admit it t myself. where i think, previously, I've just trying to make myself not to think about it. where i think is a way of protecting myself from feeling about it. and i think i don't want to feel that im so easy to fall in the state of emotion that i cant handle it from myself.AGAIN, im avoiding, hiding, and DENYING! (i hate that word) YESSS!!!it is hard. i didn't say that couple is a bad thing and i believe in that state of emotion, where couple is a place that u share all the emotion together and the emotion only shared exclusively for u and your partner not others. though i love being unattached to anyone and make my own rules to my own world...i somehow see that, it get me to the world that i think is not suitable for me to venture my future in it. i don't want in a house of Hollywood drama set, left out by the actors after a wrap, alone , quiet and light-off. where u think in the movie, it is the real harmonic house but in the end u know it is just a props! It is just a metaphore that even i couldnt understandt.aha :p
I have been living as a proud single about almost all the years and still counting by now. At the first few years of my single days, i was feel a little bit down where i tried to push myself and search where i did wrong. it is like a postmortem process. i admit i didn't like what i did when i was in a relationship. i blame everything happen to myself. i feel like i have to correct it and make sure i didn't do it again later in the future. yes that is what i did.
So after a few years, i realize that a perfectionist-ism that I've created, create a different person in me. im afraid to move cos i know too much wrong in myself. im scared others will see that wrong in me again. yup! i did stupid things in myself where i believe that im not enough to everyone. where in away, i have delivering the message through my body-language that im not ready for another relationship. i don't even realize it from myself until i did some reading about body language. hmm...yups! i don't realize that i have delivering a negative emotion to others/strangers. i can say im too obsessed in myself until i forget that actually i have ruin myself turn into a creature that is far from who i am before.
believe it or not, later years by years past by, i feel like being single is the best place where i can be. im not hurting others and damn they have not hurting me at all. im too cool to be hurt.single is the best place that i can be me, hide the real me(exclusively) and proudly to say, single is the place where i feel so much comfortable in. im so used to the environment where people asking me 'do you have boyfriend?' and i will reply 'NO!'. then they will say 'u must be kidding me' and i will replied back 'im not kidding u at all, im single and alone.FULL STOP'. i don't know, maybe with the feeling that im so used to it, i don't have any bad feeling when people asking me, friends teasing me, strangers seeing me as a fierce women and what not. they can say anything what they want to say, what ever happen and what ever matters is...yes ME.
being alone means u have to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. u don't have anyone to calm u down or wipe ur tears when u down or sad. no one u can dial a number in the middle of the nite when the light strike. no one u can give a gift for the thing that u thing is nice for the opposite sex (pants/shirt/wallet/cap/etc). there is no one u can dedicate a good love song to and there is no picture u can refer when u miss someone.There is no one i can talk to when u need someone the most to talk to..and hoping a tweet can understand what r u saying. and the worst thing is, there is no one u can motivate u when u need it the most and there is no one u can share the happiness when u received your paycheck every month after a suffered month working. and a lot more to be listed, but i wont.
ya..in the end the THE ONE that can do all the thing that Ive mention above will be YOURSELF. u the one will shed your tears when u r sad in the middle of the nite, hold your back, believe in yourself, be a good listener, bought a gift to yourself, dedicate a motivational song, and feel happy to the paycheck and said 'U DID A GOOD JOB, SYA!' yes..that is what i do now! yup quite complicate to talk to yourself but ya that is what i do...as if there is a mirror and Ive got twin that is exactly like me personally. i think im being a PERFECT twins. i don't think this is a crazy thing cos in the end, the one that u supposedly hear to is no one but yourself. u make your own decision and all the risk is on your own.
Above all of this, the worst thing is to feel tired of being all of this. currently, im not strong enough to reap all of this again and again and need some air of change.
love,
Farisya Nadiah
