Cruel World

ATTENTION : This post may contain high loads of negetivity. Please prepare your mind and soul. It might contagious.

Bullshit happens all the time.

yup it is always true. I've been facing it almost all the time. I can't say out loud my thought or my dream. As far as im believe in it, as far it leave me away. i have no chance and i have no right to have a dream. Ive been trying to figure out things on my own but the more cruel things happen to me. Im afraid that doing nothing is my only choice. Am I forbidden to do things that i want? or do I have to do things that i hate? im so confused.

i never get a chance to demand for my rights as human being? i can be sad and at the same time i cant be happy? i dont know. am i supposed to sit at one corner and see world change? For now, i cant cope anymore. as eager as i want to be 'something'  im more eager want to know myself and what i have to serve the world. if im blind show me, if im deaf scream for me, and if im stupid, teach me at the easiest way that i can understand. im afraid that im the only one left here. i dont want to be left alone in this scary world. i dont want. im afraid. what else that i can do to offer?

i never demand anything in life. i don't demand a lot. and how crazy i can be here at this time alone without asking anyone to fill in my empty heart. i always believe one day it will. force of nature i supposed. i always believe that. i know, when i need somebody is when they need me too. is it to cruel to asked? i know everybody has their own time and need their own space. i let them be. ill be around when they need me. i feel the pain when they are in pain. and im crying if i cant help them. finding a solution to help them always in my mind. But, when my hard time come, i need to push them away in other me to heal. how cruel decision it that i have to face? am i bring negativity to them? or im such a virus that need to be quarantine to this whole world? y i have to feel guilty to be myself? and now, am i too demanding? im sad! im sick! im psycho!

i have nothing to offer. i have nothing to give. i have nothing to serve the world. but i always there when u need me. i always there when your pieces of glass broken? i give you glue for you to stick. even it is ugly but i saw it normal as before. what to expect, i know you in and out. when you ok, finally stick again. i saw u back in the world again. ive smiled cos i believe that im satisfied with the choice i make. Giving you a glue. but now, am i a bad person when i need you not to understand me nor pity me, but have a sense that im hopeless. i need a hand that grab me from that dark river. or even throw me a pieces of wood that i can rely on. saying not much other than "ill be at the end of the forest.see me there". Am i an evil person?

owh maybe i just need a thought that can be understand. then, im adjusting in this cruel world hoping that my thought can be heard. maybe somebody can feel me as the same as i am. im just hoping that maybe my thought will worth. having a good memory with everyone that i love someday.having a smile face every time i wake up in the morning. having a good reviews and having a tremendous joy. And again, why can i wish for that? is it a sin to wish for a happiness? in every single breath? in every thought that might make me smile? i need to smile...i need to be happy. y i can say this "im happy with my life" or even just a hint of road to it.

i have nothing. i don't have anything that belong to world expectation. and even i have nothing that i can offer to the world no more. everything seems so hard to breath. im breathless. as far black seems black, even more black my eyesight now. Deaf person is deaf, im even deafer. my life is larger than dark at night. and now im afraid i might be dead in their hug.

truely,
farisya.