Ultimate Love

it keep on lingering on my mind right now. What is the meaning of love? LOVE? what is it with it that really haunt me lately? don't get me wrong here. im not talking about one to another one love. but the love that i need to given to myself, which means love yourself. i just couldn't figure it out yet or ive lost the real meaning of it. i really couldn't figure it out for this moment. it seems very hard to find it until at one point i feel hopeless and sick of searching for it. i know i cant stop loving myself no matter what, but on the other hand i don't find at least a good point of doing it so.

im terrible to myself lately. i don't love myself anymore lately and i hate to feel it. i know ive been avoiding it for quite sometimes but i cant deny to the fact that i hate how i treat myself.i couldn't answer to any of it. why am i doing this again?

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 i know i should keep moving ahead. i know i should make what i really want. i know i should make use of what i have in me. appreciate what i have more rather than complaining and arguing. i know that...but if only there is anyone can help to figure it out what happening to me right now....i more that thankful for your existence because right know im lost in this deep shit scary hole of mine. 

im like a ticking bomb.i cant be touch nor be abandon. i know i need to be positive. i need to focus and i need to work determinedly to the goal that im hoping for. i need to face the future. i need to meet to you future elegantly. i have to set a new mind set for a better living as human being.i cant always stays here in this lonely scary planet anymore. i need to set ne goal. i need to cripplingly wake up in this emotion and divert it to a goal that u need it to be heading. i don't want to meet your future in this kind of look. im surely it looks horrible this way. i don't want my future me to disgust on me know. 

damn!! damn!!  damn!! damn!!

UNTIL WHEN? UNTIL WHEN? i should ask this more often to you right. and WHAT IS NEXT? WHAT IS NEXT? who i wanna be? who? seriously and honestly speaking this is not what i want to be for tomorrow. i know i don't want to be this. im sure. 100% sure.

i don't need to do this for others. i just need to adjust what is wrong. that all. learn and try to listen to yourself again. try to develop the love in you again in other for you to love something else in your life. to to communicate with the love that you hope you can deliver. a love that strongly shape you to who you want to become. seriously im sad because i couldn't feel it anymore here. i need to strongly believe that with this love im able to help myself and meet my future dreams. all i need is love. dear farisya, love is not a scary thing. love is not a hard thing to gain. just believe that you love yourself and it will always leads to love what u r doing. i know you can do it again. i know you should do it. and don't forget, Allah is always with you no matter."Katakanlah aku lebih dekat dari nafas". you should be thankful of have knowing all this.. what is more powerful from Allah's to you. Hope i am ready to be loved again.

p.s : just a random self talking.

love, 

Farisya