Im as 26 Turn 27 - Understanding a Life

Morning.

I've a great energy today. Woke up early, perform a Subuh prayer and lot of things that lingers in my mind right now eagerly waiting for me to pour it in my today's live. Im blessed. Syukur for this great feeling and that is the reason why i always love morning sunshine. Keep craving for it more and more.

Lately, it seems like everyone that i know is having a good news. Changing life title and role. it is weird somehow but yup, im honestly feel happy for them no matter. even sometime i feel that it make a wider gap between them and i but sometimes i feel it give me huge courage to let go and just doing well in my life with my own version of role. that is how weird this things go. ive let them go eventually.

As life get harder and lonelier, i found a great exsesive energy to be better and better in my current role, as human and survivor. i must do great no matter what and i have to keep maintain this feeling no matter what. i have no more choice. it is all that i have now. believe.

i think i have found my ground formula to fight this life. the only way to escape this life, is by doing great. the greater you do the greater chance you finding the keys to escape this crazy world and happy eventually.

Love,
Farisya Musa

Im as 26 Turn 27 - #1st Entry

2014. Yup never to late to start a year with another full new version of hope. Mostly things that have not yet finished by the last year time frame. Indeed. But i guess this year which a year that require me to have a solid mind and soul to figh in a  massive battle between Dreams n Reality which to be true Happiness versus Money. Yup. The more  i look deep into this matter i found out some amazing and shocking findings which i know world a more creapier than those high skycrapper falling down, Falling down..

Massive explosion in my head when i first find out through out my real life observation. To be honest, at that time i could not even breath. My chest was tighten and my body was paralized from doing anything. Things turn numb and my mind turn blurry. It took about whole year of my 26 when finally ive managed to find my sentral piece back. I have not facing any death, breakup, family problems, sickness or even drugs abuse through out those journey which was more complicates the situation to prove reasonable reason for my behaviour. Im totally insane knowing that im becoming insane. A sign of giving up of believing in myself attacked me, to be honest.

On the other hand, i know deep down in my heart i hate those feeling. I know that time im want to giving up on give-up. Tremendous time i get up anf fight back those evil and cruel feeling of mine. im to weak then end-up im still have not make any changes even though i know i can do it. I have lost some sort of power. what i need to do was  a small help. I felt like "please somebody help me push my power back on". Day become night and the other way round when night have become morning again. living in those hell of your own emotion. how strong emotion could relate through your own living. from that day, ive finally realised that not your muscle define how strong you are, not even your huge body or any tools that can keep you strong, but that unseen thing, artsy feeling that we called emotion. it leads you to alot of different horizon according where you want to drive them. Those material and physical would not do much to you. nothing compares to it. You need to know where and when you want to change your own plot of story.

Decision. Making a decision are another huge business that i have to deal during these days. A lot of decesion that i have to make which lead where i will be within next 20 years from now. Decision between Job or Career, Life Partner or Soul Mate, Money or Big Money or Opportunities to another Oppotunities. It sux  big time especially when you know that you are very selective person and im a very detail oriented. Thats is what im very sure about myself. Picky women in everything i do especially in dealing with decision making. Another weakness about me that i have not counter yet is, im not much wordalbe epressionist person  but more as an extremist person. My action always talk by them selves.. i would rather go really well or really bad. Nothing  in between. im hard to say things in word especially to my most closest person and especially regarding emotion. i would rather shout or not talk at all. im trying to solve that problem which i know im in a big sin. Trying to do the right thing is a challenge to me. I want to be right. Even i want to be right in my wrong. That is how complicated it is as 27. I have to make a good choice no matter what. Choose or die. 27 is another cruel episode every human being have to face.

Because of that matter, im always cought up between dreams, happiness, and money. should i work for money? or find my happiness in things that i work on? or chasing my dreams that seem hard to lead me to money or happiness? ive been forcing myself to think about this too details which end up put me here in my current position, 27, still in single bed with two pillow, using an acer laptop,drive a daddy's Waja and been using these 3 years back unchange wrodrobe. OR OR OR am i not realising that im not ready to dump my Miley Cyrus world and get a life with those Desperate Housewife series. ive been facing lots of disappointment, unluckcy, great bad achiement and that scary lonely world....i just guess im not ready yet for another episode of thorn, lonely and sad. I belive i want to pick a brighter star ahead of me. i know that for damn very sure. It is not so bad being picky and detail oriented afterall.im loving that trait in me even more know.thanks for helping me realise it.

i hope being 27 i will stop worried about how cool my future will be but how cool i am now to create that future.

That Scary Thing

Writing seems fun again lately. The only workable escapism method that heeling. Curing  the undecided thought that running across my mind space.it is huge mess up here. you would not want to know.

Then, i wonder again. i cant even track and remember since when i start doing this to myself. all the negetive thought that alway haunting and killing me. im nearly dead here as you might see. when was the perfect time im starting doing this to myself. i should say stop. and i MUST stop.

world change and things change. what you need to do is move on! start living again. believe on the rest of beutiful pieces that still hang to thier place waiting for you to find it. i quote from the show that i saw just know," Love is not end" . That exactly what it is. believing again is what you need to do.

i hope this will help you a bit. :)

love,
Farisya Musa

Terhapus Mabuk Fantasi

Mungkin semalam takan pernah sama dengan akan datang
Atau mungkin dengan sekarang..
Kata yang aku karang bukan sembarang-sembarang
Lelah kata hati yang pinta bersembang..
aku harap dia tetap teguh bersama tenang.

aku mahu itu, aku mahu ini, dan tidak semua ku miliki,
mungkin bukan satu pun yang mahu peduli,
mengisi kosong yang ada pada diri
tidak mengapa pintakan sabar dan tekun mungkin
bersangka baiklah wahai diri, hadirlah kau.

mana dunia, mana fantasi aku serabut bersulam mabuk
pintakan semua kembali setenang air di kali
yang jika diminum menghilangkan haus rindu
dan juka dimandi menghilangkan panas hiba
dan jika dikumur, menyulamkan syair segar tenangkan kalbu

hey mungkin sahaja aku dapat
sungguh berat nak ku lari
bersama kendong duka semalam
habuk halus kau jilatlah semalam itu
mungkin esok aku kembali lari
di taman yang gersang bertumbuh cinta
baja syukur redhakan nikmat yang ada.


love,
Farisya Musa

School of Tought

I never thought what im facing now will be my future, and now it is! Future is attacking bruisingly.Seems my imagination was much much more happier than this. of course, this look more like a scary dark sapocated nightmare that i wish i could wake up as soon as i can be. hey, just look around for that stupid hole, that annoying rabbit and those walking aces cards. hurry and get out from that teapot after you get snap a picture of those amazing madhatter design. yaaa...even nightmare in my imagination seem cute and happy.

 

Once again, i never imagine my life will be THIS!!!

 

Jobless, no boyfriend, souless, broke and undecided between chasing dreams or jumping into those scarry world all over again. seriously, this is a shocking decision that i should settle in time. but the thing is, i have no time less. my clock is ticking and it is nearly going to stop because people now prefere to those digital. no more ticking!!!!

 

There is a place i need to find,

And need to be there in time

Don't try to over and out lies

Im just a grils who fighting her time.

 

Thanks to you Yuna. Your Mermaid is what i really need this time. it just suit my background and it full of it.

 

i know i should understand mysef better. i dont want this to happen. im trying here. im clueless and i wish i can get out from here as soon as i can, before that, please let me try to figure it out how and for you to know im trying hard not for anyone else but i know i do it for myself. because, i know as much anyone else would want me to be better than this, im the person who felt that more for myself. and i really hope i can settle this crazy shit of mine.

im trying to change. im trying to muhasabah diri, and im trying very hard hear to make everyone happy in order to make me happy. i would want to make some benefits to you. i want to be your diamond. proud asset.and im always want to make you happy. i never ever though ill be this way. im weak to pursue life. im scared to live and even scarier to make you worry about all those silly nonsense things that happen to me. i hate to give excuses because i know im weak when im doing that.

 

yes, mummy daddy, sisters and brother, friends im trying here as best as i can. just bare with me and please be at my side always. because i know im not strong enough to face this world on my own. if only you guys know how sucks my feelings now, it is even more sux if i try to let you guys found out my darkness. im not in peace.

 

please dear Allah, tiupkanlan kasih mu pada diriku, tiupkanlah kuatmu padaku, titipkanlah roh perang padaku dan kau tanamkanlah benih istiqamah. kau hantarlah pelindungmu dan kau pagarilah cintaku untuk kembali pada jalanmu di waktu singkatku ini. Moga dalam jalan itu aku dapat bertemu Kau dalam tiap saat penglihatanku, pendengaranku dan nafas qalbuku. amin. dan ya rasullah, ajarkan aku hidup dalam hidupmu. amin.

 

*emotional breakdown

 

harapkan jalan keluar,

Farisya Musa