2014. Yup never to late to start a year with another full new version of hope. Mostly things that have not yet finished by the last year time frame. Indeed. But i guess this year which a year that require me to have a solid mind and soul to figh in a massive battle between Dreams n Reality which to be true Happiness versus Money. Yup. The more i look deep into this matter i found out some amazing and shocking findings which i know world a more creapier than those high skycrapper falling down, Falling down..
Massive explosion in my head when i first find out through out my real life observation. To be honest, at that time i could not even breath. My chest was tighten and my body was paralized from doing anything. Things turn numb and my mind turn blurry. It took about whole year of my 26 when finally ive managed to find my sentral piece back. I have not facing any death, breakup, family problems, sickness or even drugs abuse through out those journey which was more complicates the situation to prove reasonable reason for my behaviour. Im totally insane knowing that im becoming insane. A sign of giving up of believing in myself attacked me, to be honest.
On the other hand, i know deep down in my heart i hate those feeling. I know that time im want to giving up on give-up. Tremendous time i get up anf fight back those evil and cruel feeling of mine. im to weak then end-up im still have not make any changes even though i know i can do it. I have lost some sort of power. what i need to do was a small help. I felt like "please somebody help me push my power back on". Day become night and the other way round when night have become morning again. living in those hell of your own emotion. how strong emotion could relate through your own living. from that day, ive finally realised that not your muscle define how strong you are, not even your huge body or any tools that can keep you strong, but that unseen thing, artsy feeling that we called emotion. it leads you to alot of different horizon according where you want to drive them. Those material and physical would not do much to you. nothing compares to it. You need to know where and when you want to change your own plot of story.
Decision. Making a decision are another huge business that i have to deal during these days. A lot of decesion that i have to make which lead where i will be within next 20 years from now. Decision between Job or Career, Life Partner or Soul Mate, Money or Big Money or Opportunities to another Oppotunities. It sux big time especially when you know that you are very selective person and im a very detail oriented. Thats is what im very sure about myself. Picky women in everything i do especially in dealing with decision making. Another weakness about me that i have not counter yet is, im not much wordalbe epressionist person but more as an extremist person. My action always talk by them selves.. i would rather go really well or really bad. Nothing in between. im hard to say things in word especially to my most closest person and especially regarding emotion. i would rather shout or not talk at all. im trying to solve that problem which i know im in a big sin. Trying to do the right thing is a challenge to me. I want to be right. Even i want to be right in my wrong. That is how complicated it is as 27. I have to make a good choice no matter what. Choose or die. 27 is another cruel episode every human being have to face.
Because of that matter, im always cought up between dreams, happiness, and money. should i work for money? or find my happiness in things that i work on? or chasing my dreams that seem hard to lead me to money or happiness? ive been forcing myself to think about this too details which end up put me here in my current position, 27, still in single bed with two pillow, using an acer laptop,drive a daddy's Waja and been using these 3 years back unchange wrodrobe. OR OR OR am i not realising that im not ready to dump my Miley Cyrus world and get a life with those Desperate Housewife series. ive been facing lots of disappointment, unluckcy, great bad achiement and that scary lonely world....i just guess im not ready yet for another episode of thorn, lonely and sad. I belive i want to pick a brighter star ahead of me. i know that for damn very sure. It is not so bad being picky and detail oriented afterall.im loving that trait in me even more know.thanks for helping me realise it.
i hope being 27 i will stop worried about how cool my future will be but how cool i am now to create that future.
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