yup....again i have a bad news for u again dis time. i dont know when is the time that im actually gonna share my happiness with u. i dont know..i hope for that damn badly. yup...my life currently is so bullshit. i cant even stand it to face everyone...two years of living in this stupid dead n black world make me so sesak nafas. im down, im mess, im total loser and i hate myself!i know that is not good for a healthy life.yup i admit it. im not healthy emotionally and phisically. huh!
i did something more stupid which relate to me, my carrier, my family and everyone that know me that day. where actually i can see the outcome from earlier. i dont know why i am so gamble to make dat decision in my life and take everything under my control konon. huh! i dont know why....sumpah...dis is not what i plan for. im so bersalah to everyone and even i hate that i can say it to them even i can even say it to myself! sumpah im so gila babi x suka with myself.. i walked around kl aimlessly dat nite! damn....sumpah...pls lead me to the path that i really want. i want that. hoping for i see it from the light ive seen dat nite. neon, traffic light, car light, signboard etc...i need some hope dat say...hey u gonna be find! u gonna change urself..u learn it! i need it for myslef to know that...hey common....this is what u should learn....and dis is what happen when u do dis. dis is what u supposed to feel. and THIS FEELING IS SUX BIG TIME! seriously.. i cant even walk looking straight....im restless to think about my life now....apatah lagik future. buntu..!
yup..i dont know maybe someone will try to find what is my problem HERE...i know u just wan to know my problem...ntah! i think i dont even know what is my problem...i guess myself is trying to sabotaging myself....seriously.....i wanna skip all this..i want to get out from here...i want mylife back...i want everything that i want...i want to be normal again...i want everything to be ok again...and what most important..i want myself back! sumpah perasaan ni sgt melemaskan aku...i couldnt breath to live! damn....
i make ayah hates me, i make mak hates me, i destroy my carrier contact, im not punctual in my work.. i dont know the roots of my problem...i dont...seriously..im lack of motivation...im lack of wiill to be good..im lack of confidence to face the world, and im lack of confidence in myself. im angry....i dont have the drive anymore...malam tadi sampai rasa nak pegi jauh sgt..keje kat laut...x pelah room services ke....tukang masak ke...and what not...sebab x nak face my embarrassment n my mistake. damn!
x tau smpai bile i will drag my life like dis...i dont know...yangpasti aku x nak bende nie happen again cos the pain inside is so hard for me to face it. it is hard to feel disappointed with yourself. cos u cant get it away from u cos it is you.....mummy said, im not feel shame or kesal with all the trouble i make...it hurt my heart damn badly! sumpah....if only mummy knows how badly im trying to change and how badly im dont want this to happen....SUMPAH! i hate myself...even daddy said : "kau x penah nak berubah, ikut kepala sendri, x nak dgr ape org ckp" sumpah....dat words hurt me sgt2....how i wish dis never happen. how i wish im not gonna hurt both of u. i never wanted to dat is not what i want in life. even that is the biggest fear in my life and now......congratulation u berjaya face ur fear! PFFT!!
bad,
farisya nadiah
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